Addie is now one year old – which means of course, we’ve been parents for one full year. In some ways I feel like just hitting this mark is changing things yet again. Somehow being parents and having a baby is now sealed. It’s not only happening, but it’s now marked by an anniversary. We’ve been through all four seasons in this new way of life. It’s here to stay – no longer a transition to something that we don’t totally get yet.So what does it all mean? What’s it like being a parent? What’s it like having a baby? Seems like I haven’t taken the time to ask myself these questions, much less answer them. But hitting this one year mark really makes you take a minute to think about it all – the big picture. That and a vacation.
In the beginning, things were kind of primal. This creature emerged from inside my wife after somehow having been brought to life by the two of us. Yet, it seems like this person has always been here, has always been part of our life, and knows us better than anyone in the world. There is this immediate connection that’s unreal. And there’s something kind of basic and simple about it: feed the baby, protect the baby, love the baby.
Lately things are feeling quite complex. It happened slowly too. Out of the fog of sleepless nights in those first months, you slowly find that keeping up with this creature is getting harder and harder. It wants more than just food and attention. It has opinions (already!) and ideas and makes messes and needs you completely. Needs your words and stories and adventures – thrives on you. We’re also posed with tricky challenges and tough calls that I’m certain are barely the tip of the iceberg, but are challenging now nonetheless.
If I was to tell myself of one year ago what this parenting thing has chalked up to be, this description of thirty minutes of our vacation kind of sums it up.
We’d been driving around a little too long and Addie was agonizing over boredom. The car seat has her strapped down, and she’s all about moving. She’s looked at, chewed, thrown, and grown thoroughly sick of every toy and thing-that-might-entertain-Addie in the car. It was high time to get out and move around. We found some parking near a beach approach. Hadn’t really planned on hitting the beach just now, but needed to do something. Happily out of the car, we made our way down the beach to a shady hill.
Once in the sand, Addie starts up with what is now the norm when parked on Mother Earth – tasting everything. Sand, into the mouth. Sticks, into the mouth. Piece of glass (ack!) into the mouth. And you can’t really stop her. I mean, I’ve tried, really tried. You take it away and tell her “out!” and “yuck!” and she’ll actually smile and grab something quickly and pop it in her mouth. It’s a game to her – and a hilarious one at that. She’ll do a switcheroo from one hand to the other to fake you out, or swing her arms wildly as you come in to intervene, or turn her head away so you can’t see what she’s doing – laughing all the while.
So now what? You can either pick her up out of dirt’s reach or just keep taking things out of her mouth endlessly. We opted for safe but free – a middle ground. If it’s sand, she’s not going to choke, so if she really wants to put it in her mouth, repeatedly, that’s her choice. And incredibly she chooses to do it. Bigger sticks, that’s sort of ok too. She can’t get it in her mouth enough to choke, so again it’s her call. Anything in between is the battle we choose not to loose. So here we are watching her like a hawk, trying to keep the scary bits away while Addie explores the world. And this is a big part of it all. Making a judgement call on what’s safe, what’s ok, and what’s just bad news. It’s like having some kind of test you are taking off and on all day long, and the consequences of failing are seemingly huge. Stay on your toes! This is a big part of parenting it seems. Easy enough to understand I suppose, but quite an experience when you’re in the middle of it. And is this even right? I’m sure the pre-Dad me of a year ago wouldn’t understand that letting your kid eat sand is “ok” – I’m not even sure it’s ok now – but this is the call we’ve made and life moves on. She’s happy as a clam and safe – check and check.
The second bit here is the emotional roller coaster of near misses. Addie falls forward and does a face plant into soft sand (you can see this start to happen just at the end of the video.) She of course is slathered with sun screen, because we are good parents after all, so the sand is stuck to her face like a mud mask. And it’s all around her eyes, easily going into the eyes, and Addie’s instinct is to rub her face. This is a crisis. It all plays out in an instant in your head. Addie rubs eyes (grab her arms!) corneas scratched, blind for life, you are the worst parents in the world. But no - we’re not bad! We scoop her screaming self up and zip over to the beach showers. In she goes with Dad, both getting soaked (in clothes, not swim suits). She was crying before, but now she’s howling. People are looking because clearly we’re torturing her. There’s an older guy in the shower next door. He’s actually smiling – a veteran Dad. So we clear up the sand, both of us having held back panic for the most part, but clearly we’re a bit panicked.
Laura goes to change her clothes while I dry off and literally forty second into it Addie is happy as a clam laughing at the palm tree above her. It’s like nothing ever happened. And this is “normal”. Addie’s teetering between joy and utter despair will give you whip lash, but it’s totally just kid stuff, and it is a big part of this whole parenting gig. Just navigating the roller coaster and not letting it get to you.
It’s the overwhelming love for the kid that drives it all. You just want her to be safe, but you want her to experience the world, and you also want her to be happy. When these things conflict, you’ve got to figure out the best route out. That’s the job.
The funny thing about this is that I completely relate to parents of my youth that I never understood before. I can remember friends with parents that were so very controlling. Wanting to make choices for their kids about everything from what they wear to what they eat to how they talk. And all parents do this to some degree more or less. But I think ahead to the next ten years and I realize that in the near term making good decisions for your kids is what it’s all about. This is the job. And then at some point they aren’t going to want you to do that any more. They’ll really want their freedom and space, and giving them some of that is also being a good parent, but what a tough path to navigate. Certainly for the next ten or so years we’ll fortify these instincts to protect our kid by any means necessary, and then one day we’ll have to back off. We’ll have to let them live their life. I get it now! This gut feeling you have to protect your kid is just so strong. It takes over your life and you give it happily and willingly. And one day you have to tone it down, let them make their own choices, for better of worse. Wow.
But of course, while it's tricky and challenging, it's also the best thing ever.
